Thursday, September 6, 2012

Cutting loose - coming to terms with your Parents

I specialize in working together with Women on their Goals, Visions and Self-Esteem. To a large degree I do so because I believe that a balanced, fulfilled woman does not only make an amazing difference in her career, but also for her community and her family. Everyone should feel like they can achieve what they set their life out to be. Every woman should feel like she has control over her own progress and even if she sets aside years raising her children, should still have the inner knowledge that there is personal growth and happiness for herself. Once you reach the point where stability comes within, you can provide the feeling of accomplishment to those around you. 

On the other hand, if you have difficulties feeling balanced and you try to draw stability from your children, you enter a different kind of parent-child relationship. Howard M. Halpern explains in his book "Cutting Loose", how each of us as parents have 2 drives: we want our children to become strong and independent, and we also want them to be weak and dependent on us. In my experience, the more you focus on balance and personal growth, the more you will want your child to be independent and strong. 

Here is a paragraph from the book that explains quickly and simply the difficulties one might experience in having a healthy relationship between parents and children:

"In every parent there is a wish that his or her children grow up to be strong, independent, effective people. And in every parent there is a wish that his or her children remain weak, dependent, ineffectual people. The relative power of these two wishes can vary greatly, but if your parent's wishes that you be dependent and inadequate have been dominant, then you are probably in trouble, because the pressure on you to obey their "Don't grow up" wish may be irresistible.
The parental wish to have his child become strong and independent doesn't need much explaining. That is what parents are for, and throughout the animal kingdom parents train their offspring for autonomous survival and then unceremoniously push them from the nest. Kahlil Gibran talks of his parents being the bow and the child's being the arrow.
The parents wish to have his or her child remain weak and dependent needs a lot more explaining, because it contradicts basic biological reason for parenting. We can understand it more clearly when we realize that the parent's desire to see his offspring grow and be independent comes from the mature parenting part of himself, while the parent's desire to have his offspring remain attached and dependent comes from the little child within."

Extract out of "Cutting Loose - An Adults Guide to coming to terms with your Parents", Howard M. Halpern 

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